Every single problem faced by football has been resolved in one fell swoop after a new visual identity was unveiled for the Premier League.

With a majestic swish of a graphic designer’s Apple Pencil, gone are concerns over high ticket prices, television money being syphoned off by agents, and the nagging feeling that, actually, for all the money pouring into the game, the standard of the league isn’t really that great.

The Premier League’s managing director, Richard Masters, said: ‘Look, it’s the same as the previous logo, but slightly different. There’s your Sky money in action, sugar tits’.

When asked how this could possibly impact positively upon supporters of the League’s twenty teams, Masters replied: ‘Behold the proud lion’s head, in between the words ‘Premier’ and ‘League’. There’s a million quid well spent if ever I saw it’.

From next season, the League will no longer have a titular sponsor, having been sponsored by Barclays Bank for the last twelve years. Instead, a number of alternative sponsorship opportunities will be made available, thus making even more money for the sporting juggernaut.

Executive Chairman Richard Scudamore added: ‘Now is not the time to be talking about Liverpool charging £77 for a single match ticket, not when – for once – we’re actually sort of, kind of, in a way giving fans what they want for once by not having a named sponsor. Yeah, give the suckers an inch, and they think you’ve given them a mile… I said that out loud, didn’t I?’

The newly branded Premier League commences next August.