Taylor Swift

Arsenal have called in the services of singing sensation Taylor Swift as they look to convince Chelsea to part with goalkeeper Petr Čech.

The Stamford Bridge side are reluctant to let Čech depart for a club considered rivals for next season’s Premier League title, but Arsenal are hoping that Swift’s presence and powers of persuasion will enable the deal to go through.

A source at the Emirates Stadium said: ‘Both Stan Kroenke and Arsène Wenger have been impressed with the way Taylor has managed to bring the worlds of country and western and formulaic pop music together. Also, they were taken with her campaign against Apple, where she managed to secure royalties for all artists against all the odds. Not forgetting that they’re both smitten with her sultry eyes and legs that go on forever. Stan thinks that he’s got a shot, and recent minutes from board meetings are full of him asking other directors what Calvin Harris has got that he hasn’t’.

Chelsea are thought to be warming to the idea, as Čech is approaching his mid-thirties, and has fallen behind Thibaut Courtois in the pecking order. In addition to this, manager José Mourinho wants to take a selfie with the songstress to impress his children.