Arsenal's Title Dream Still Alive, Wenger Tells Empty Bottle Of Scotch

Arsène Wenger still believes that his Arsenal side can end the season as Premier League champions, according to a bottle of whisky he drank on Saturday night.

The 66-year-old guided the Gunners to a 2-0 win at Everton that kept them nine points and two places behind leaders Leicester City – with a game in hand that is bound to make little difference – but was greeted with open hostility by the club’s travelling supporters throughout the game.

Deep into the night at the Frenchman’s Totteridge home, Wenger confided in the bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue Label: ‘There’s still eight games to go. Anything can happen. All we can do is keep winning our games, and hope that Leicester and Tottenham start dropping some points.

‘Oh God, Tottenham’, Wenger cried, downing his fifth scotch on the rocks, before refilling the glass whilst weeping. ‘Fucking Tottenham!’ he added, throwing an empty bottle of Laphroaig from the night before at a photo of Arsenal celebrating their 2004 League success at their great rivals’ White Hart Lane home.

With his head in hands, Wenger continued: ‘Of all the fucking teams in all the fucking world, why does it have to be them? Where’s Gilberto Silva when you need him?’

Assistant manager Steve Bould, who popped round after receiving a barely coherent voicemail from his long-time boss, said later: ‘I think the gaffer’s taking things very hard right now, especially seeing all the fans turn against him when we’re actually still in with a chance of winning it all. Also, I told him to at least eat some dry roasted peanuts while he drank; he can’t handle his booze like he used to, when it was all champagne sipped out of David Dein’s Oxford’s back in the good old days. He’ll be all right after a good night’s sleep. Probably’.

With Manchester City slipping up at home in the Mancunian Derby, Wenger is now acutely aware that his chances of securing the Fourth Place Trophy now seem as remote as their hopes of overturning Leicester’s advantage.