The Football Association has been expelled from the FIFA Family after being caught smoking behind the bicycle sheds of the Federation’s Zurich base.

The English body, which codified the rules of football in 1863, has been causing trouble amongst its fellow family members for a number of years now, and it is believed that in being caught smoking, FIFA has finally reached the end of its tether.

FIFA Secretary General Jérôme Valcke said: ‘The constant accusations of corruption within the Family was bad enough. The inescapable feeling that they thought, because they invented the game, they were somehow superior to us, that too could be forgiven – especially seeing how truly terrible they now are at the sport. But to smoke? I’m sorry, even we have a limit to how much we can take, and the F.A. have gone beyond that’.

Under FIFA rule 173.010(B), those ‘caught smoking either inside or within a 500-yard radius of the FIFA campus are subject to immediate and un-appealable action including, but not limited to, immediate expulsion.’ As such, sources close to the FA are said to be furious but unsurprised at their punishment, especially given that Qatar, who were also caught with the FA, but claimed to just be holding the cigarette for their English cousin, has been absolved of all blame.