blatter innocent

Sepp Blatter had admitted that the letter he wrote proclaiming his innocence in the FIFA scandal was only supposed to be for the eyes of his pen pal of the last seventy years, and was never meant to be sent to all the football associations affiliated with the global organisation.

The 79-year-old’s letter, which was read by two hundred and nine FIFA members, set out his proclamations of innocence pertaining to a ‘disloyal payment’ made to UEFA chief Michel Platini, for which the pair are expected to be suspended from football for a number of years.

However, as can clearly be seen from the note, published in full for the first time in The Ballcock, it was clearly intended to have only been sent to Siegfried Kampfel, an 84-year-old from Düsseldorf, where he has lived his entire life.

It is believed that it was sent out to members of the football family by an over-officious office assistant, with the matter to be dealt with by Blatter internally.

The letter says:

My dear Siggi

I hope this letter finds you in better spirits since your last missive. As for myself, I have been suffering from a severe head cold that many thought was a nervous breakdown, but if such ailments can be treated by sticking a towel over your head and breathing from a bowl of hot eucalyptus water, then psychiatrists around the world need to find a new profession!

It is true however that I am finding myself getting crushed under the weight of intense media scrutiny. But to them, and indeed to you, my old friend, I must insist on my innocence in all of this. As for Monsieur Platini I cannot say, but is it my fault the fool decided to cash his cheque thirteen years after it was drafted? I think not!

I will fight on Siggi,  make no mistake. The investigatory chamber of the ethics committee has nothing on me, and time will prove me right.

My love to Perdita and all the family. I only hope I get to see your delightful little dachshund soon.

As always, my warmest regards

Sepp.

P.S. Thank you so much for the weisswurst. We may not approve of the methods, but nothing can beat a nice piece of veal with a little squeeze of lemon.