Sepp Blatter

Sepp Blatter has been rushed to hospital after the final remains of his conscience passed away over the weekend.

The incident, which occurred around tea time on Saturday, meant that the one remaining shred of humanity possessed by the disgraced former FIFA chief had finally been rejected by its host, resulting in what aides are calling a ‘small breakdown’.

Blatter’s spokesman, Klaus Stoehlker, said: ‘He is now, at this moment, in hospital. He is preparing to leave on Monday, although he is destined to spend the rest of his life as an empty shell of a once-mighty football administrator’.

The 79-year-old is currently under suspension by the governing body, which means he remains president in name only, with elections to find his replacement scheduled for the new year.

Blatter meanwhile will hope to be well enough to suitably offer a high enough bribe to investigators currently looking into his allegedly corrupt handling of FIFA over the last seventeen years.