The owners of all twenty MLS clubs have demanded an instant end to the league’s salary cap, insisting that they should be allowed to pay players whatever they liked, and in so doing ensure their own destruction.

The Liverpool manager was discussing the latest contract news concerning winger Raheem Sterling when he suddenly and unexpectedly burst into tears.

Manchester United’s executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward today insisted that the club’s appointment of David Moyes in 2013 never actually happened.

Chelsea manager José Mourinho yesterday morning used his daily press conference to allege that he was felched by his Manchester United counterpart Louis van Gaal.

Newcastle United Chairman Mike Ashley has vowed to personally excrete on each and every doorstep in Newcastle-upon-Tyne.