British taxpayers have demanded a seat at the West Ham United transfer committee table, as the Hammers’ move to the Olympic Stadium draws ever closer.

The Football Association today unveiled a startling trial for next season, announcing that Monkey Rush rules will apply for all Essex Senior League matches.

Arsène Wenger still believes that his Arsenal side can end the season as Premier League champions, according to a bottle of whisky he drank on Saturday night.

The barely recognisable ghost of legendary Arsenal manager Bertie Mee has thrown his none too considerable weight behind the campaign to remove Arsène Wenger from the Emirates Stadium hot seat, it has emerged today.

Aston Villa manager Rémi Garde has sent his entire first team squad to a Birmingham Apple Store in order to get them fixed as they look to avoid relegation from the Premier League.

All twenty Premier League clubs have come together to issue a joint statement defending their decision to accompany a £30 cap on away match tickets with a minimum booking fee of £30.

Reports coming out of St. James’ Park suggest that manager Steve McClaren has managed to lose the Newcastle United dressing room after insisting on playing Ghostbusters II on the team coach whilst travelling to play their recent away match at Stoke City.

Representatives for Preston North End have revealed their shock at being invited to join American billionaire Charlie Stillitano’s proposed European Super League, and have said that they would welcome any move that would see them restored to world football’s top table.

Manchester United’s teen sensation Marcus Rashford won’t stop banging on about his meagre ratings in FIFA 16, sources close to the striker confirmed today.

Officials within UEFA are said to be up in arms at the prospect of Leicester City and Tottenham Hotspur muddying up their elite Champions League competition next season, believing it to be the work of the Football Association gaining revenge for their treatment in recent years from FIFA.

US Attorney General Loretta Lynch has spoken of her eagerness to arrest and question the next President of FIFA, with the election to crown the replacement for Sepp Blatter due to take place in Zürich on February 26.

Tottenham Hotspur fans around the world are secretly convinced that their season is now in free fall after their shock FA Cup exit at the hands of Crystal Palace capped off an unremarkable week for the North London side.