Absolutely nobody in the world was in the least bit surprised by Manchester United’s away defeat to FC Midtjylland in the first knockout round of the Europa League, according to reports.

The Premier League has admitted that it may shoot random players of teams competing in the Europa League in order to force its members into taking seriously UEFA’s secondary tournament.

Liverpool’s hopes of securing European football next season have thrown into doubt after striker Daniel Sturridge was diagnosed this morning with a broken heart, with medics speaking pessimistically of his chances of recovery.

Tim Sherwood continues to insist that his brief tenure as Tottenham Hotspur manager two years ago is the reason for the North London club’s unlikely push towards the top of the Premier League.

Every single problem faced by football has been resolved in one fell swoop after a new visual identity was unveiled for the Premier League.

Arsenal have emailed their season ticket holders explaining that they will have to pay an extra charge next season for roughly sixteen percent of their souls.

With Chelsea announcing that captain John Terry will be leaving the club at the end of the season, The Ballcock looks back at the eighteen year career of the controversial centre back.

Swansea City, now well into a second season as the only Welsh club in the Premier League, have signed up to online dating app Tinder in order to find company and engage in casual, late night sex in the South Wales area.

Emmanuel Adebayor, the man widely regarded as the least professional footballer of the Premier League era, has revealed the 100,000 reasons he chose to return to England’s top league with Crystal Palace.

Arsenal have confirmed via social media their plan to replace the iconic Arsenal Clock with a meter showing how close manager Arsène Wenger is to being sacked.

A state of emergency has been declared throughout the football world after the sport struggled through an entire week where nothing controversial occurred whatsoever.

Headline writers for Britain’s major news outlets have spoken of their struggles at coming up with plausible puns that can adequately convey the impact of Jürgen Klopp’s October arrival as manager of Liverpool.