Cech

Petr Čech’s fledgling career with Arsenal has today been thrown into doubt after the shot stopper admitted that everything he touches turns immediately to Skittles.

The 33-year-old, whose arrival from Chelsea in the summer lead many to believe that the Gunners could land the Premier League title for the first time in eleven years, was held to blame for both goals conceded in Arsenal’s opening game defeat at home to West Ham United.

However, a lot of that blame has subsequently been absolved after Čech told reporters: ‘I have to accept a proportion of responsibility for both of West Ham’s goals. But, before you rush to judge, I have to make a confession: Everything I touch, even with the tippiest point of my little finger, instantly turns into thousands and thousands of Skittles. It is a particularly bitter curse, as I have a strong intolerance to artificial colourings.

‘So you can see, that if I were to have come out and punched away Dimitri Payet’s free-kick, instead of flapping at it and allowing Cheikhou Kouyaté to score, the ball would have instantly exploded like a cheap piñata, and last time I checked, the current rules for such a situation occurring are cloudy at best. In a way, I did the referee a massive favour’.

For the second, however, Čech said: ‘I was in the wrong position. My bad on that one. But, again, the Skittles thing, so, yeah…’

The Czech Republic international will get a chance to atone for his sins when Arsenal travel to Crystal Palace on August 16.