Ahead of Chelsea’s run in with newly crowned champions Leicester City on March 15, serial adulterer and all-round sex pest John Terry has expressed his deepest desire that the WAGs of the Leicester team have been talking smack so they can ‘get banged, good and proper’ and that he is the man for the job.
The game was scheduled to be the defender’s last game for Chelsea – before he was sent off in his side’s previous match – having failed to secure a contract extension having been deemed surplus to requirements at Stamford Bridge.
Terry stated, whilst furiously rubbing himself through his trouser pocket: ‘I hope I can end my Chelsea career with a bang; a victory would be great but a go on one of their wives is what I’m really after, especially that Vardy’s bird. He’s been strutting round like he owns the place recently, that’d really show him’.
Vardy was unavailable for comment, believed to be still having a party in the wake of the Foxes cantering to the league title.
When asked about his future plans, Terry seemed determined to show that there is life in the old dog yet, saying: ‘I may go to China or the MLS, maybe me and Dave (Beckham) can work something out, plus I’ve always fancied a bit of that Victoria. Stevie G has made a name for himself there too, so maybe I can wreck his marriage. Then again I might just stay here, (incoming Chelsea manager) Antonio Conte has underestimated me. I could go down to Cobham and try to bang his wife, who knows? The world is my oyster’.
Chelsea are set to finish the season no higher than ninth in the Premier League table, the lowest position the previous season’s champions have finished in the modern football era.