nuclear spurs

Tottenham Hotspur’s most recent financial reports have raised concerns after figures revealed that chairman Daniel Levy used profits from the club’s Capital One Cup run last season run to buy a nuclear warhead.

While most supporters had expected the club to be busy in the transfer market this January, with a striker a particular priority, this latest move is sure to concern those who have thought for some time that Levy is less than forthcoming with funds to strengthen head coach Mauricio Pochettino’s paper-thin squad.

Of the purchase, Levy has admitted to friends that he ‘maybe got a bit carried away’ by having the ‘master of transfer brinkmanship’ title lavished upon him by football press. 

He told one close friend: ‘It’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me. It made me think: how hard could it be? God I was wrong; it’s fucking hard. Apparently, I’ve upset most of the international community and am in serious breach of several international treaties’.

When asked where he’d hidden the parts, Levy answered: ‘Let’s just say Federico Fazio moved all the uranium rods out of the Gary Mabbutt Lounge, we’ve finally knocked down Archway Steel and that’s why he’s not played since September, and just leave it at that’.

* The Ballcock published an article on November 30 saying that Spurs fans were struggling to find things to complain about pertaining to their side. In the wake of their club’s 2-1 home capitulation to Newcastle United, we now know that this article was wrong, and for this we offer our most sincere apologies.