Emmanuel Adebayor, the man widely regarded as the least professional footballer of the Premier League era, has revealed the 100,000 reasons he chose to return to England’s top division with Crystal Palace.
The Togo international, who was quick to praise manager Alan Pardew for giving him the opportunity to once more steal a living from the game, has already spoken of his excitement at pretending to give a fuck while playing for his contract, and how eager he is to destroy the club from within should a long-term deal be forthcoming at season’s end.
‘I’m thrilled to be here at, erm… The Valley? Plough Lane? Wait… Yes! Selhurst Park!’ The 32-year-old told reporters. ‘Really, I can’t believe I’ve been allowed within two hundred miles of another top flight club. It’s incredible, and much needed as I’ve had my eyes on a gold and violet Bugatti Veyron ever since Tottenham let me go’.
When asked for his ambitions for the rest of the season with The Eagles, Adebayor replied: ‘Firstly I want to settle in, get acquainted with my new teammates, and then get down to scoring goals and restoring pride to our season’. A wave of stunned silence swept over the press conference, before he added: ‘I had you going there for a moment, didn’t I? Nah, as long as I can post my Instagram pictures and steer well clear of my family, it’s all good’.
Pardew, whose side have lost four of their last five games following a promising start to the season, said: ‘We need to be philosophical. We’re struggling for goals right now, and in Emmanuel we have a ready-made scapegoat who the fans can turn on in the blink of an eye, thus taking pressure off of the team and, even more importantly, myself. It’s win-win from where I’m sitting’.
Adebayor, who will continue to pocket over £100,000 a week, is expected to be in the Palace squad that takes on Stoke City in the FA Cup Fourth Round on January 30, and excluded from it by Easter.