womens world cup trophy

England’s female football team are determined to match their male counterparts in achieving as mediocre a performance as possible in the Women’s World Cup.

So far, England are on course to reach this goal, having gone down 1-0 to a superior France side in their opening game, and playing poorly while only managing three shots on goal.

Coach Mark Sampson said: ‘If we can go out at the group stages – as is already looking a distinct possibility – without scoring a goal, then that would be something to be proud of. Who knows, maybe we could somehow fluke our way out of the group and then we’re looking at two possibilities: getting absolutely smashed by the first decent side we face, or the old favourite of bottling the penalty shoot out.

‘Whatever, all we really want is to let the people back home down as brutally and quickly as possible’.

England’s next match, against Mexico in Montcon, has already been billed as ‘must-bore’.