lord sewel

Footballers throughout England have been quick to scoff at the video showing House of Lords deputy speaker Lord Sewel snorting cocaine with prostitutes.

Players from clubs throughout the land are said to be openly mocking of the video, with those at Leicester City particularly disappointed at the lack of both racism and actual penetrative intercourse.

One Leicester player said: ‘I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Where’s the spitroasting, or the racial slurs? At the very least you’d hope to see him chained up and being whipped while wearing a Nazi uniform. I dunno, it’s not like the old days is it?’

Sewel, who is now facing legal proceedings as well as calls to resign from Parliament, is said to be ‘gutted’ that he has not at least earned the approval of the nation’s over-paid, over-sexed footballers, saying in private that he thought convicted rapist Ched Evans might have given him some props for calling the sex workers ‘whores’.