The European Championships in France have inspired teenagers across the United Kingdom to almost completely stay indoors this summer and play even more FIFA 16.
Watching disgustingly overpaid stars of the tournament such as Cristiano Ronaldo fail to recapture their club form, the hormonally imbalanced youngsters of Britain have been drawn to their games consoles for even longer periods than normal.
Speaking from his curtain-drawn bedroom, 16 year old Marlon Jackson, from South East London, said: ‘Sometimes it sounds like people are visiting, ‘cos I can hear talking in the corridor. Dunno who they are. Maybe it’s Grandad. He ain’t been well apparently’.
With efforts to seemingly become as pampered as the modern footballers performing at the competition, many of the nation’s future prospects have come to increasingly rely on their parents, with Marlon admitting: ‘Yeah, I guess it’s alright, innit, as Mum makes food and cleans n’ stuff. But it’s well annoying when she doesn’t shout loud enough to say dinner is ready. Why don’t she just leave it outside the door? My eyes hurt when she makes me go downstairs. So annoying. And it turned out Grandad actually died while I was playing some geezer in an online match. That’s so typical of him, the selfish old bastard’.
The phenomenon seems to have affected the majority of young males aged 12 – 16, although rumours persist of boys choosing not to spend their summer holidays playing FIFA online with friends who live only a few doors away.
‘Ryan from 4C told me that he heard Justin from 5F plays football in the park with boys from a different year. Like, actually running around and shit.’ continued Marlon. ‘Anyways he’s proper weird. And I heard showed his willy to Sarah Williams behind the Sports Hall and she Snapchatted it to the whole year. Well funny!’