'Everything Must Go!' Mike Ashley Confirms Newcastle End Of Season Closing Down Sale

Following Newcastle’s relegation from the Premier League, owner Mike Ashley has confirmed that the club will hold a massive closing down sale at the end of the season, with stunning reductions for such items as Andros Townsend and Moussa Sissoko.

The Magpies’ fate was sealed after arch rivals Sunderland secured a memorable 3-0 victory at home to Everton, who barely made any attempts to convince the watching public that they were a football team.

The corpulent retail tycoon said: ‘From my experience in the retail world, there is no better way to turn a quick profit than to announce that, due to “unforeseen circumstances”, your shop will be “closing” and that all current stock must go.

‘This way, we get to cut out the dead wood and start again with cash in our pockets, able to re-stock the club with players appropriate to our new circumstances’.

When asked their opinion on Ashley’s business strategy, Newcastle fans had differing opinions. 52-year-old Richard Holt said, ‘I think it’s a great idea personally. What better way for the club to get rid of the faulty products that got us in to this situation in the first place. Besides, it offers some great deals to the fans – I’ve just seen that Paul Dummett’s been reduced to £29.99, think I might get two!’

Others, however, were less impressed. ‘I know their game, I’ve seen it done before’, ranted season ticket holder Alice Duggan. ‘They entice you in with ridiculous bargains – buy one Rolando Aarons and get a free Emmanuel Rivière. Then, suddenly, by some miracle, the next time you go back the shop isn’t in dire straits any more, and you’re back to paying ridiculous prices, such as £14.5 million for Georginio Wijnaldum’.

No Newcastle players were available for comment, although when telephone contact was attempted with Alan Shearer, all that could be heard down the line was what sounded like someone crying loudly into a pillow.

Newcastle sign off their woeful season at home to Tottenham Hotspur on Sunday.