Mourinho Disrepute

The Football Association are still deciding which book exactly they are to throw at Chelsea and manager José Mourinho after the West London side brought the game further into disrepute during their 2-1 away loss to high-flying West Ham United.

While there are those who consider James Joyce’s weighty tome ‘Ulysses’ to be the perfect throwing material, other, more liberal members think hurling a copy of Martin Luther’s seminal 1517 piece ‘The Ninety-Five Theses’ in the Portuguese boss’s general direction should suffice.

Chelsea were aggrieved on a number of occasions at the Boleyn Ground, none more so than when Nemanja Matic was sent off in the first half, which led to two other players getting booked for protesting the decision, assistant first team coach Silvino Louro dismissed for protesting to the fourth official and finally Mourinho banished to the stands at half-time.

A source within the FA said: ‘It’s currently a topic of conversation between Greg Dyke, Arsenal chairman Chips Keswick, and Prof. Nigel Biggar, Christ Church (Oxford) Regius Professor of Moral and Pastoral Theology. Between them, they will decide the fitting book to be thrown.

‘The current thinking is that it must be lighter in weight than a Taschen coffee table book, but heavier than the complete works of Adrian Mole’, the source added. ‘Obviously it’s not for me to say, but a first edition leather-bound copy of Thomas Paine’s ‘Rights of Man’ looks like the front runner at the moment’.

In addition, it is expected that the FA’s suspended stadium ban for Mourinho will now be implemented, meaning that Police now have the right to shoot on sight the 52-year-old should he be seen within 250 yards of a ground that houses a club affiliated with the ruling body.

Meanwhile, the loss to The Hammers, Chelsea’s fifth in ten games, leaves them in fifteenth place with just eleven points to show for their efforts.