sunday league

The Football Association today unveiled a startling trial for next season, announcing that Monkey Rush rules will apply for all Essex Senior League matches.

Under the controversial ruling, all defensive players are allowed to handle the ball as acting goalkeeper inside their own penalty area.

FA chairman Greg Dyke said: ‘This is a very exciting time for non-league football, and we’re eager to see how Monkey Rush plays out over the coming season. If successful, we’re keen on introducing it into the preliminary rounds of the FA Cup’.

When asked what other plans were envisaged, Dyke replied: ‘Well, we’re looking into the possibility of getting rid of sidelines, and letting the players judge for themselves when they’ve strayed too far wide. Also, putting white dog shit in random places around the penalty spot haven’t been ruled out. And cricket stumps instead of goalposts, although a lot of trust has to be put in the goalkeeper that shots going over his head are actually over the ‘bar’, and that he’s just not jumping as high as he’s capable of’.