Father and son fertilizing garden

Father of three Mike Appleby has thanked FIFA for teaching his children, especially football-mad son Charlie, valuable lessons that will stand them in good stead for the rest of their lives.

The 43-year-old, from Stockton-on-Tees, has spoken of his relief that the governing body’s hubris has spared him months of having to talk to his offspring, enabling him instead to focus on his long-held passion of trying to spend as much time out of the family home as possible.

Appleby told reporters: ‘Seeing FIFA’s chickens coming home to roost after years and years of scandal and corruption is an extremely good thing for youngsters to see, as they will learn that ultimately crime doesn’t pay. Also, it means that I can go down the pub without too much guilt.

‘I do love them, don’t get me wrong’, he added, ‘but all the time? I don’t think so’.

When asked to comment Charlie, 10, said: ‘When I grow up I want to be a football administrator. I did want to be a fireman, but then I thought, where’s the money in that? Follow the money, that’s what Dad says, when he’s here’.