Blatter Platini

Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini have seen their appeals against their ninety-day bans rejected by the FIFA appeals committee, who in a statement have said that they presumed the guilty pair were ‘taking the piss’ when they tried to get their convictions retracted.

Both the out-going FIFA president and UEFA chief were handed the bans after damning evidence showed that Platini was paid a ‘disloyalty’ payment in agreement not to run against the 79-year-old, although it was claimed that the money was received for works done by the Frenchman in 2002.

However, with the bans now looking likely to be extended for up to seven years, and Platini’s campaign to replace Blatter as football’s premier administrator lying in tatters, it is unclear what further action the pair can now take.

The statement from the committee read: ‘We were surprised to have received the appeals, as the pair are so guilty that there could not possibly be any way back for them. We genuinely believed they were taking the piss, as the English say, because the appeal was never going to work out for them’.

A source from within the committee added: ‘Well, when we first heard about this appeal, we all pissed ourselves. I mean, of all the nerve, right? But then after a couple of minutes someone pointed out that, no, they were genuinely appealing and that there was nothing funny about it.

‘It took us about five seconds to turn it down’.

The duo are expected to now take their cases to the Court of Arbitration for Sport, who’s members are currently bracing themselves for a wave of hubris to strike should that happen.