blatter captive

The scandal enveloping world football’s governing body today took a new and unexpected twist after the real Sepp Blatter was found in a sealed vault deep below FIFA’s headquarters where, he has claimed, he has been held captive since 1995.

This staggering revelation comes at a time when FIFA is under investigation for acts of gross corruption going back at least to the time when Blatter, or the imposter posing as Blatter, took over as president in 1998.

Blinking into a light that he hadn’t seen for two decades, the real Blatter said: ‘I remember it all as if it were yesterday. It wasn’t yesterday, right? I lost all concept of time a while ago I’m afraid. Anyway, I was on my way to a local orphanage to hand over half of my monthly wage to the poor, innocent children – I always donated half my money to good causes; it seems unfair that there should be so much suffering in the world when I was always able to do well for myself. It made me shed a tear of sadness and shame.

‘No sooner had I left the premises, having spent more than an hour handing out gifts I had brought with me, and singing songs with the boys and girls while I and a nun banged away on an old, out-of-tune piano, then I was manhandled by a gang who spoke in clipped German. At first I thought the Baader-Meinhoff Gang had returned, though goodness knows what they would have wanted from me. They put a bag over my head, threw me in the back of a van, and sped off into the night. I’ve been in the pit ever since’.

When questioned as to the identity of the person posing as the 79-year-old all this time Blatter’s face darkened, and after a few seconds answered: ‘The day I was born, I wasn’t the only child delivered by my mother. There was another. Horst, they called him. But Horst was a wild thing, wild and out of control; they couldn’t handle him. By the time he was seven, they had to lock him up in the attic, chained to the wall, living off of slop in a bucket I delivered to him every night. It was for his own good. It was for the good of everyone. The things he’d do to the local cats, my God…

‘When we were in our late teens, I went up one day to see to Horst’s needs, and discovered that he had managed to chew himself free from his chains. By then his teeth were more like fangs than molars. We never saw him again, but I would hear the occasional story of how he had entered football administration, and was hiding in plain sight of us all. That’s why I joined FIFA you know, to stop him. But, in the end, it seems he stopped me’.

Since discovering Blatter, the man who has spent twenty years assuming his identity has vanished, leaving only the entrails of fish and various backroom staff behind. The search continues.