A state of emergency has been declared throughout the football world after the sport struggled through an entire week where nothing controversial occurred whatsoever.
Having spent the best part of last year embroiled in a series of catastrophes – ranging from nefarious deeds at FIFA that led to the fall of president Sepp Blatter, through to José Mourinho pouring scorn on Chelsea’s then-physiotherapist Eva Carneiro for having the temerity to do her job properly – those within the game are said to be at a loss for things to do now things have calmed down and sanity has been restored.
Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger, speaking ahead of his team’s clash with surprise strugglers Chelsea, said: ‘I wouldn’t say it’s a bad thing that there’s been nothing untoward in the last few days. But at the same time, it’s a bit unsettling, no?
‘I guess what I’m saying is, someone needs to give Harry Redknapp a job’, the 66-year-old added.
Meanwhile, sources at FIFA HQ are said to be ‘deeply disturbed’ by the lack of illegal waves currently washing corruption out of the corridors of footballing power. Indeed, so serene are things in Zurich that one senior source quipped: ‘This time last year, things were quiet because people were afraid to say anything for fear of incurring Sepp’s wrath and finding themselves at the wrong end of a fondue prong. Now things are just, well, quiet. Anyone would think we’re working in the best interests of the game or something’.
Despite this, there are hopes that insanity will be restored this weekend, with Arsenal expected to plunge their West London rivals back into relegation troubles, and Manchester United’s wave of boring, murderous terror continuing with a visit from fellow beacons of mediocrity Southampton.