dulwich hamlet

A hipster is today facing the impossible task of having to choose between managing Dulwich Hamlet or Clapton in his new Football Manager 2016 save game.

Atticus St Claire, who calls an abandoned textile factory in the East London district of Bow home, has told friends that choosing between the two hipster-affiliated clubs – available through a specially created database enabling the gamer to play as any English side down to level nine of the footballing pyramid – is nothing short of a Sophie’s Choice for a man who prefers his beers crafted, his tattoos sleeved, and his beard bushy but well-trimmed.

He told one acquaintance: ‘It’s the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make. On the one hand, you’ve got a team that plays in pink and black, and gladly plays charity matches against a Stonewall XI. But on the other, you’ve got possibly the most dedicated band of ultras this side of the Rhine, single handedly trying to eradicate all forms of racism and homophobia from the game. And, to make things doubly hard, you can smoke and drink on the terraces at both grounds.

‘I’m as torn as my pre-torn stonewashed retro skinny jeans from Urban Outfitters’, he added, before staring at the Choose Club screen for another seven hours.

The 27-year-old however eventually plumped for Dulwich’s Ryman Premier League rivals Wingate and Finchley, saying he was impressed with their Jewish links, as well as the work the club has done bringing minorities together in that corner of North London. However, as he joined the Labour party just to vote for Jeremy Corbyn, and has recently started boycotting Israeli products, he isn’t sure how choosing such a club would fly at his nearest branch of Dirty Burger.