Manchester United are set to offer Tottenham Hotspur three of their Premier League titles in exchange for Harry Kane. They’re also prepared to throw in their 1991 European Cup Winners Cup win if Eric Dier comes too…

Claudio Ranieri has told friends that ‘not even a complete set of Razzle’ could tempt him to part with Riyad Mahrez…

The cryogenic remains of Walt Disney are interesting Newcastle United…

Queens Park Rangers manager Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink has been spotted driving Charlie Austin to a particularly wooded part of Epping Forest…

Nottingham Forest are to spend the window reminiscing about the good times…

Barcelona are keen on securing the services of Chris Smalling, although that may be a typo…

Claudio Ranieri has told friends that ‘No, not even if they threw in Fiesta’ would Wes Morgan be leaving Leicester City this month…

Arsène Wenger has said he ‘won’t rest’ until he’s signed every single young French prodigy currently kicking a ball…

West Bromwich Albion are said to be close to placing Saido Berahino on eBay, but Jeremy Peace has forgotten his password…

Dani Alves has been spotted at the Boleyn Ground saying, ‘Wait, this isn’t Stamford Bridge’…

And Claudio Ranieri remained tight-lipped when pressed that some really red-hot German scheiße porn might be enough to tempt him to part with free-scoring striker Jamie Vardy.