Jeremy Corbyn

New Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has today unveiled the first of his Socialist policies by announcing that football in the United Kingdom will be nationalised should his party win the next general election.

The left-winger, originally a 200-1 outsider, obliterated his fellow candidates in the leadership election for the opposition party, where he polled 60 per cent of all votes in the first ballot, and has laid down his marker by announcing the controversial plans to bring the country’s most popular and profitable sport under governmental control.

In an article written for The Guardian, Corbyn wrote: ‘Everyone knows that association football is perhaps this country’s greatest export now, and if we want to avoid more years of austerity under an uncaring, elitist Conservative government, it is imperative that everyone can benefit from the vast riches currently enjoyed by the Premier League.

‘Therefore, under a Labour government, football will be centralised from Westminster, with teams disbanded and amalgamated to form a new competition. Instead of Chelsea and Queens Park Rangers, fans can cheer on Dinamo Paddington, a glorious team representing the nation’s railway network. The army will find new backing in the form of CSKA Manchester, with the energy industry concentrating their support on Spartak Liverpool. The Premier League anthem will be replaced by a stirring rendition of ‘The Red Flag’, and everyone attending shall wear khaki’.

Although no mention was made of other sports, it is believed that both cricket and rugby union, with their upper-class connotations, will be outlawed should Labour sweep to power in five years time.