Daniel Levy is finding it hard resisting the urge to sell Harry Kane to Manchester United in order to buy seven players who are totally unsuited to English football…

Arsène Wenger has told friends that Selfridges’ valuation of Moleskine notepads are ‘miles apart’ from what he’s willing to pay…

Everton are still interested in signing Aaron Lennon, despite the FA banning transfers involving players who shave lines into their eyebrows…

ITK coming out of Anfield is completely wrong…

Officials at Blackburn Rovers are to place a £3 trillion bid to Barcelona for Lionel Messi to see if their fax machine still works, and that Barça can be reached on that number after all those years…

Adnan Januzaj has issued a ‘come and get me’ plea to any single ladies aged 18-28 in the Greater Manchester area…

Eddie Howe has woken up in a cold sweat after realising that, yes, AFC Bournemouth actually are a Premier League club now…

Daniel Levy still can’t remember his eBay password, and now can’t remember which email address the password reminder has been sent to…

Which means that Emmanuel Adebayor remains a Tottenham player…

Arturo Vidal is open to leaving Juventus for Arsenal, but only if he can find a home within walking distance of their London Colney training ground…

And Frank Lampard’s spat with Steven Gerrard over which of them is Harry Potter and which is Neville Longbottom rolls into its seventh year.