Loretta Lynch: 'FBI Already Looking Forward To Arresting Next FIFA President'

US Attorney General Loretta Lynch has spoken of her eagerness to arrest and question the next President of FIFA, with the election to crown the replacement for Sepp Blatter due to take place in Zürich on February 26.

Blatter has so far managed to evade the FBI’s investigation into widespread corruption within the corridors of world football’s headquarters, but is widely expected at some stage to become embroiled in the scandal.

Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, and with a board showing images of all the candidates prominently displayed behind her, Lynch told reporters: ‘We are all looking forward to February 26, or to be more precise, the 27, when we can really get stuck into looking at the chequered history of whomever gets anointed football king’.

Pointing at an image of bookie’s favourite Salman Bin Ibrahim Al-Khalifa, Lynch said: ‘Here we have a man who has been accused of identifying one hundred and fifty athletes who were later imprisoned and tortured for taking part in pro-democracy demonstrations in 2011 by numerous human rights organisations. And yet, here he stands, pledging to lead a transparent and democratic FIFA. Yeah, right’.

Al-Khalifa, a member of the Bahrain royal family, has always denied the charges, but there is little hope in any of the candidates for a new FIFA to emerge, with Lynch saying about former Blatter confidante Jérôme Champagne: ‘The only positive thing we can say about him is that he’s just totally unsuited to such a role. Also, he doesn’t appear to know where the slush fund is kept, so we don’t expect him to provide a credible candidate’.

Lynch finished by saying: ‘We look forward to seeing the result, and can assure everyone that we’ve got more than enough information from (FIFA Executive turned informer) Chuck Blazer to really sink our teeth into bringing Mr. Blatter’s replacement to justice. We wish all of the candidates good luck, and look forward to seeing one – if not all – of them in Supreme Court soon’.

In other, unrelated news, office suppliers throughout Switzerland have reported that orders for paper shredders in Zürich have gone through the roof, and that extra machines have had to be ordered from neighbouring Germany.