Louis van Gaal is set to astound supporters of Manchester United by announcing his discovery of the true name of God in his upcoming programme notes.
The 64-year-old, whose United side take on Norwich City at Old Trafford this weekend, writes in his column about discovering God’s true name while playing Solitaire on his iPhone.
He writes: ‘In welcoming the Canaries and Alex Neil for the first game since our disappointing defeat to Bournemouth it’s important to bear in mind that whilst we all hope for three points today, there are greater things at play in the universe, such as the true name of the Lord Almighty, which I this week discovered quite by accident whilst playing Solitaire in my office’.
As has happened whenever he has managed big clubs, van Gaal has come in for criticism for his highly structured style of play, which sacrifices individual creativity and open, entertaining football in order to bring out the best in the team as a whole. However, for now it seems the Dutchman is more concerned with enjoying the fruits of his inadvertent labour.
He continues: ‘Whilst it would be remiss of me to write it down here – as to do so would, I fear, result in the fabric of time and space collapsing in on itself – let me assure you that its discovery came as a blessed joy to me, and was one which I shared with all the lads, and they too enjoyed a great rapture. It’s moments like this that can really bring a squad together and make a huge difference as we look to re-energise our challenge for the Premier League title’.
The last time the true name of God was thought to have been discovered was by then-United manager Frank O’Farrell in 1972, although it turned out to be chairman Louis Edwards’ signature on a letter confirming that he had been relieved of his duties.