Board members of Manchester United have said that they are planning to delegate the unwanted task of terminating Louis van Gaal’s contract should the Red Devils continue to persevere with the bland, low-scoring form of football that has quickly become their trademark over the last two seasons.

The news comes after the Dutch boss admitted that he himself ‘does nothing’, and delegates most of his tasks to various assistants, whilst collecting one of the highest wages in football.

Director David Gill said: ‘To be honest, we don’t really do that much either, except for sanctioning Louis’ demand for expensive new players, and giving the green light to the occasional request for a new nasal spray sponsor. So it’s only natural that we would want to hand off the responsibility for getting rid of the manager to someone else’.

Group Managing Director Richard Arnold went further, saying: ‘I’m sure there’d be a host of willing parties. We haven’t ruled out the possibility of linking up with a broadcasting partner and doing an ‘Apprentice’-style firing, where Alan Sugar tears him to shreds before pulling the metaphorical trigger.

‘We’ve even discussed with one of our entertainment partners, Gerry Cottle’s Circus, about the possibility of literally firing him out of a cannon, although there are obviously health and safety concerns around that’.

United currently lie fourth in the Premier League table, two points off leaders – and local rivals – Manchester City after twelve games.