Mike Ashley

Newcastle United Chairman Mike Ashley has vowed to personally excrete on each and every doorstep in Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

The retail tycoon has been waging a bitter war with the supporters of the Tyneside giants ever since gaining control of the club in 2007.

Speaking to the three remaining journalists who are allowed into St. James’ Park, Ashley said: ‘From this day on, I will personally go to each and every door step in this fucking city and shit on every single welcome mat I see. If there is no welcome mat, then I shall shit on the concrete. And there’s not a fucking thing any of you Geordie cunts can do about it. They’ll rue the day they started calling me Fatty Arbuckle.

‘In my time, I’ve relegated the club, changed the stadium’s name, given control of the club’s day-to-day runnings to Dennis Wise and even Joe fucking Kinnear for God’s sake. I thought, what more do I have to do to show these northern mugs I hate everything they stand for? Change the club’s colours to red and white? Allege that Jackie Milburn was a Paedophile? Both these things I considered, and more besides. But, to really make a statement, I realised that the best thing I could do was go door-to-door defecating on the entrances to people’s homes’.

The billionaire continued: ‘From Gosforth to Byker, from Benwell to Wallsend, no house is safe. I’ll be laying down turtleheads in Jesmond, and pebble-dashing in Walkergate. If I’m up to it, I plan to take in both North and South Shields too’.

Whilst it is unusual for a chairman to take such drastic steps, occurrences have been known to happen in the past. In 1929, following the sale of Alex James to Arsenal, Preston North End chairman JI Taylor hunted down and beat to death supporter Archie Milsop after he was accused by the fan of pocketing the £9,000 transfer fee received from the Gunners. Going even further back to 1897, Derby County star Steve Bloomer was spotted gauging out the eyes of one follower after he accused the centre forward of not giving his all in a friendly match against Leicester Fosse.

Ashley’s self-titled ‘Shit Storm’ is scheduled to begin at the end of the current season. Already, Aston Villa owner Randy Lerner is said to be considering doing the same thing to the people of Birmingham.