Everton 3 Chelsea 1

Chelsea manager José Mourinho’s desperate start to the new season continued this weekend, after reports emerged that the canteen staff at the club’s Cobham training ground had spoken of losing faith in the Portuguese boss’s methods following the side’s 3-1 away loss to Everton.

The Pensioner’s defeat at Goodison consigned the club to seventeenth place, with just four points accrued from their first five games, and doubts are now being cast at Mourinho’s ability to restore pride and points amongst those who supply the likes of Eden Hazard and Thibault Courtois with their morning meals.

Assistant Head Chef Terry Donaldson said: ‘I don’t know what’s going on. One win and three defeats just isn’t good enough for a club like Chelsea. God only knows what’s going on in José’s head’.

Busboy Jamaal Onomah remarked: ‘Did you see the game? It’s not as if Everton even looked that good. We just don’t appear to give a shit. José’s lost it, man’.

Desert maker Michelle O’Shea commented: ‘There’s a lot of unrest in the kitchen. Half of us think José’s lost the plot completely, while the other half are convinced his heart’s not in it anymore. Whatever it is, everyone seems to agree that things were a lot nice when Rafa Benítez was still in charge’.

However, O’Shea was adamant that no one had yet spat in Mourinho’s food.

Chelsea will hope for a change of fortunes as their Champions League campaign kicks off with a home tie against Maccabi Tel Aviv on Wednesday.