Chelsea 1980s

José Mourinho today admitted that his Chelsea team’s horrendous domestic campaign is merely one part of his obsession with all things related to the 1980s.

While the Pensioners are today considered one of world football’s great clubs, those of a certain age can remember a time when Chelsea were considered an average, run-of-the-mill side, constantly bouncing between English football’s first and second tiers, and possessing in Ken Bates a chairman who not only  bought the club for £1.00, but at one point erected electric fences around a dishevelled, oval Stamford Bridge in order to keep the club’s notorious hooligan fans off the playing surface, which was fifty metres away from the crumbling terraces.

Speaking after Chelsea’s 2-1 away defeat to Leicester City, a result that leaves the West Londoners just one point off the relegation places, Mourinho said: ‘It is true that in the summer I purchased a job lot of 1980s action movies on VHS off of eBay, and that I spent one week in June watching nothing but ‘Commando’. Oh, that John Matrix! I suppose it spiralled from there. Next thing I knew, I was drinking two cartons of Um Bongo a day, spraying myself with Kouros and buying a Lamborghini Countach’.

The 52-year-old continued: ‘I thought that I had hit rock bottom when I asked John Bumstead to come out of retirement, and got the lads to train in Le Coq Sportif gear, but clearly I was wrong. I let my love of all things eighties go too far, and now we’re near the foot of the Canon League First Division’.

For table-topping Leicester, things have never looked so rosy this close to Christmas, with Mourinho, beaten but maintaining a sense of magnanimity, quick to praise the work of top scorer Jamie Vardy, as well as the industriousness of Steve Lynex and cat-like reflexes of Mark Wallington.