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Tottenham Hotspur head coach Mauricio Pochettino has said that he would rather watch a sex tape featuring new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn and Shadow International Development Secretary Diane Abbott than taking on Qarabağ FK in tonight’s opening round of the Europa League group stage.

The Argentinian is following in the footsteps of predecessors Harry Redknapp and Andre Vilas-Boas in bemoaning the fact that, despite playing all of the previous season to finish in a qualifying position, Spurs now have to take part in UEFA’s second-tier competition.

Speaking ahead of tonight’s game, Pochettino said: ‘It is unfortunate that we have to play this tie, especially as we have games coming up against Arsenal and Manchester City, as well as a Crystal Palace side that beat us twice last season. It is fair to say that yes, I would rather be in my living room watching Mr. Corbyn and Ms. Abbott going at it as nature intended in all it’s glorious 1970s hairy technicolour than watching Andros Townsend cutting inside and blasting shot after shot over the bar’.

When asked if Harry Kane – Tottenham’s only recognised striker – would be starting, Pochettino replied: ‘Well, in modern football the notion of an out-and-out target man is somewhat outdated. Forward players are expected to switch positions, which is something I’m sure Jeremy and Diane did many times. Sometimes he would go up top, other times she would instead, and maybe even they did it standing up against the wall. There needs to be fluidity, and probably fluids as well, to keep everything lubricated and smooth, yes?’

Tottenham will also face AS Monaco and RSC Anderlecht in a competition they will be eager to exit as soon as possible.