Waterloo

There’s an old saying in football that all goalkeepers are crazy, and that’s certainly true for me, for I’m just crazy about battle reenactments!

I love taking part in them; be it the Battle of Stamford Bridge, going abroad to take part in the Siege of Bridgeport, or dressing up as a Roman legionary invading Britain. But nothing, NOTHING, can compare to the big one: the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo.

I shall be one of 3,000 people taking part in this, the largest reenactment ever staged. I was hoping, with my high profile and larger-than-life stature, to play the Duke of Wellington. However, that position went to one of the organisers – and they say that FIFA’s rife with corruption – so I’ve had to make do with the Earl of Uxbridge. Still, I get to play one of the key figures of the Battle, so that’s cool.

It’s going to be a fantastic day. I’ve been so excited that I turned up for the last game of the season in full battle regalia, not realising my mistake until Kun Agüero said that I reminded him of the Junta that disappeared three of his uncles back in the 1970s. I’ve perfected my technique of fighting on horseback, and my exposure to Joey Barton back in the day will help me to engage in ‘banter’ with my rank-and-file colleagues. God, I can’t wait.

So if you’re watching the telly tomorrow, and footage of the Battle comes on screen, keep an eye out for me. I’ll be the one picturing Willy Caballero’s face as I cut through the French hordes.