Rémi Garde Sends Villa Squad To Genius Bar In Attempt To Fix Ailing Season

Aston Villa manager Rémi Garde has taken the extraordinary step of sending his entire first team squad to Birmingham’s Bullring Apple Store in order to get them fixed as they look to secure Premier League survival in the season’s remaining nine games.

The Frenchman, brought in to replace Tim Sherwood last November, has been unable to prevent the slide that currently sees the Villains stranded at the foot of the table and nine points away from survival. However, there has been a general upturn in performances that have led supporters to suggest that a few days with a Genius Bar worker might be enough to prevent the drop into the Championship.

Speaking at the club’s Bodymoor Heath training ground, Garde told reporters: ‘I made the appointment last week, but the earliest they could see us was this afternoon. They’ll give everybody a full diagnostic check, so I’m confident we’ll find the source of the problem before our next match’.

The 49-year-old continued: ‘Micah (Richards) wasn’t so keen on the idea, but when I pointed out that he’s a good five minutes behind the action, he reluctantly agreed to tag along’.

A source at the Apple Store said: ‘It’s certainly unusual, and clearly smacks of desperation. But I’ve been a Holte End Season Ticket holder since I was ten, and most of us here support the Villa, so we’ll do anything we can to help’.

Not everyone within the shop is as confident however, with one self-confessed Wolves fan saying: ‘They’re fucked, mate. The Premier League is a top-of-the-range, retina screened 2016 MacBook Pro, whereas the Villa are more like your 1992 Commodore Amiga 600, with a broken fan and a melted copy of Championship Manager Italia stuck in the disk drive’.

Garde, however, remains hopeful, and is confident that his team won’t crash when they take on high flying Tottenham Hotspur at the weekend.