premier league

Premier League Chief Executive Richard Scudamore is said to be considering adding a surprising and explosive plot twist after the first week of the new season passed with relatively little incident.

The 55-year-old is yet to decide on how to spice up the competition, but it is thought that something must be done after a weekend that was noted for offering up little controversy and only a handful of individual howlers.

Speaking from the league’s Wembley headquarters, Scudamore said: ‘Our fans have grown accustomed to fast, unpredictable non-stop action, and I think we’re all disappointed that this last weekend passed off without anything too big happening. This is a situation that must change if we’re going to keep drawing in those key demographics from Asia and North America’.

Amongst the things Scudamore is considering are encouraging Sunderland duo Yann M’Vila and Lee Cattermole to literally kill a Norwich City player next week – preferably someone likeable such as defender Sébastien Bassong – in order to give casual fans someone to root against, relocating Leicester City to a remote desert island and seeing how long it takes for them all to turn on each other, and even playing all matches at 3.00pm next Saturday, although that is considered a ridiculous, desperate and unfathomable option.

Scudamore added: ‘Whatever, I think it’s clear that we need to do something, otherwise all we’ll have to talk about is the startlingly poor quality of the football, and God only knows we don’t want to draw people’s attention to that’.