NASA scientists have announced that, following the discovery of flowing water on Mars, the chances of finding some sort of life form on the planet are slightly better than Arsenal’s hopes of ending their thirteen-year wait to reclaim the Premier League title.
Chelsea manger José Mourinho has reacted to Arsenè Wenger’s complaints over the Stamford Bridge side’s controversy-laden 2-0 home victory by suggesting that they both take some time to think over things before hugging it out at a later date.
Test results on Jack Wilshere’s hairline fracture of his left fibula have shown that the Arsenal star is predominantly made of balsa wood and polyfilla, thus helping to shed light on his continuous injury woes.
Arsène Wenger’s long-running feud with José Mourinho shows no sign of abating after the Arsenal manager used today’s press conference to claim that his Chelsea counterpart ‘smells like runny poo’.
Arsenal have called in the services of singing sensation Taylor Swift as they look to convince Chelsea to part with goalkeeper Petr Čech.
Featuring player-hungry Manchester United, saintly Harry Kane, car-botherer Arturo Vidal and more