A state of emergency has been declared throughout the football world after the sport struggled through an entire week where nothing controversial occurred whatsoever.
Sepp Blatter had admitted that the letter he wrote proclaiming his innocence in the FIFA scandal was only supposed to be for the eyes of his pen pal of the last seventy years, and was never meant to be sent to all the football associations affiliated with the global organisation.
FIFA have announced that every nation on earth will be invited to take part in the World Cup from 2026, whilst also introducing a new slogan, ‘You’re All Winners!’, as the organisation looks to move on from its most traumatic year.
Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini have seen their appeal against their ninety-day bans rejected by the FIFA appeals committee, who in a statement have said that they presumed the guilty pair were ‘taking the piss’ when they tried to get their convictions retracted.
Sepp Blatter has been rushed to hospital after the final remains of his conscience passed away over the weekend.
Convicts within the United States penal system have spoken of their excitement at potentially being joined by outgoing FIFA president Sepp Blatter in the near future.
Representatives from Greece’s leading clubs have arrived in Brussels to ask permission to use a Medieval form of bartering for their transfers, as Greek banks continue to be closed to the public.
Greece has offered to resolve the eurozone crisis with the European Union by taking their game to ‘next goal wins’, despite the nation currently trailing 323 billion to nil.