Every single problem faced by football has been resolved in one fell swoop after a new visual identity was unveiled for the Premier League.
Swansea City, now well into a second season as the only Welsh club in the Premier League, have signed up to online dating app Tinder in order to find company and engage in casual, late night sex in the South Wales area.
Chelsea manager José Mourinho’s desperate start to the new season continued this weekend, after reports emerged that the canteen staff at the club’s Cobham training ground had spoken of losing faith in the Portuguese boss’s methods following the side’s 3-1 away loss to Everton.
Premier League Chief Executive Richard Scudamore is said to be considering adding a surprising and explosive plot twist after the first week of the new season passed with relatively little incident.
Idiots across Great Britain are turning their moronic opinions from current affairs to football as the new season gets underway over the next two weeks.
Everton manager Roberto Martínez has today issued an apology to supporters after inadvertently pressing the wrong button on his laptop and releasing the Toffeemen’s entire first team squad.