Liverpool’s hopes of securing European football next season have thrown into doubt after striker Daniel Sturridge was diagnosed this morning with a broken heart, with medics speaking pessimistically of his chances of recovery.
Headline writers for Britain’s major news outlets have spoken of their struggles at coming up with plausible puns that can adequately convey the impact of Jürgen Klopp’s October arrival as manager of Liverpool.
Liverpool’s Nathaniel Clyne is expected to be given a lengthy suspension after failing a spot Pepsi Challenge, it has been revealed.
Jürgen Klopp has spoken of his belief that Liverpool are now primed to take Chelsea’s place as the premier joke club in England.
José Mourinho has revealed that he will only speak to the media via a sock puppet following Chelsea’s 1-0 defeat to AFC Bournemouth, a result that leaves the west Londoners languishing in fourteenth place in the Premier League table.
Tottenham Hotspur head coach Mauricio Pochettino’s post-match press conference yesterday descended into a quote-off of lines from cult US sitcom ‘Arrested Development’, with the boss and journalists attempting to out-do each other when it came to knowledge of the much-loved show.
With Brendan Rodgers’ seat still bearing the arseprints of the departed North Irishman, rumours are already rife that Jürgen Klopp is set to take over at Liverpool before the week is out. However, the talented German will have his work cut out to restore pride and glory to the corridors of Anfield, and The Ballcock has identified the ten most important things he must do to make sure the good times return as quickly as possible.
Liverpool’s hopes of quickly appointing a successor to Brendan Rodgers were dealt a blow this morning after being told that Jürgen Klopp was too busy washing his hair to take up the Anfield manager’s chair.
Following on from Brendan Rodgers’ Liverpool dismissal, Sam Allardyce is currently fretting over the fact that he can’t remember if he informed the Anfield board of directors of his new telephone number.
Jürgen Klopp, who announced his decision to take a year away from football when he tendered his resignation as Borussia Dortmund boss, has so far failed to remove himself from his sofa, with sources also claiming that he hasn’t worn trousers since late May.