Louis van Gaal is set to astound supporters of Manchester United by announcing his discovery of the true name of God in his upcoming programme notes.
Ander Herrera has been banished by Louis van Gaal to Manchester United’s Under-21 squad after daring to express a modicum of creative ability during the Red Devil’s most recent training session.
Board members of Manchester United have said that they are planning to delegate the unwanted task of terminating Louis van Gaal’s contract should the Red Devils continue to persevere with the bland, low-scoring form of football that has quickly become their trademark over the last two seasons.
Bastian Schweinsteiger has told friends that he may seek a move away from Manchester United after being forced to try Lancashire hotpot for the first time, claiming that no one should be forced to each so much boiled food in one sitting.
Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger has reacted to criticisms over his team’s lack of defensive awareness by dismissing completely the entire notion of defending, a stance that is sure to come as no surprise to anyone who has visited the Emirates Stadium in the last nine years.
Manchester United defender Luke Shaw is determined to look on the bright side after his horrific leg break in his side’s Champions League tie ruled him out for the next six months, after saying that he is relieved that he won’t have to deal with the insufferable security guard who mans the entrance to United’s Carrington training ground complex.
Manchester United’s new striker Anthony Martial has quickly moved to thank the English press for teaching him the meaning of the word ‘hyperbole’ following his scoring debut against arch-rivals Liverpool.
David de Gea’s failed move from Manchester to Real Madrid took a new twist this morning after the goalkeeper returned to training to find teammate Juan Mata decked out in his previously thought abandoned training kit.
Manchester United have launched an audacious bid for the remains of Ferenc Puskás as the Old Trafford side continue to search for a striker to accompany the out of form Wayne Rooney.
Replica Barcelona shirts bearing Pedro’s name and number have written a heart-felt open letter to the Spanish star pleading with him to stay at the Camp Nou, as they fear for their future should he depart.
Ángel Di María has apologised to Manchester United’s legion of fans for not fleecing them of more of their hard earned wages after bringing his brief spell at Old Trafford to an end.
As Manchester United finally unveil their first strip under their £750 million deal with Adidas, The Ballcock takes a look at some of the features of the 2015/16 kit.