Following Newcastle’s relegation from the Premier League, club owner Mike Ashley has confirmed that the club will hold a massive closing down sale at the end of the season, with stunning reductions for such items as Andros Townsend and Moussa Sissoko.
Arsenal fans attending the club’s final game of the season are planning to lend their full support to the players and manager Arsène Wenger – a stunning protest that is sure to send shockwaves through the corridors of power at Highbury House.
Following Leicester City’s confirmation as Premier League champions, reports this morning are surfacing that local Bolton man Keith Bradshaw has outed himself as a Foxes supporter, after spending the last six months saying that he ‘knew they would win the title one day, it’d been coming for years’.
Leicester City striker Jamie Vardy has promised that his highly anticipated party will be a low key celebration, as the newly crowned Premier League champions still have two games left to play this season.
Leicester fucking City, 5,000-1 outsiders to win the Premier League when it kicked off last August, are today celebrating the fact that they have only fucking well become champions of mother fucking England.
Rémi Garde, who has left Aston Villa after five months in charge, has spoken of his pride at being able to redefine the meaning of the word ‘hopeless’ in the short time he sat in the Villa Park hotseat.
Arsène Wenger still believes that his Arsenal side can end the season as Premier League champions, according to a bottle of whisky he drank on Saturday night.
Aston Villa manager Rémi Garde has sent his entire first team squad to a Birmingham Apple Store in order to get them fixed as they look to avoid relegation from the Premier League.
All twenty Premier League clubs have come together to issue a joint statement defending their decision to accompany a £30 cap on away match tickets with a minimum booking fee of £30.
Reports coming out of St. James’ Park suggest that manager Steve McClaren has managed to lose the Newcastle United dressing room after insisting on playing Ghostbusters II on the team coach whilst travelling to play their recent away match at Stoke City.
The Premier League has admitted that it may shoot random players of teams competing in the Europa League in order to force its members into taking seriously UEFA’s secondary tournament.
Every single problem faced by football has been resolved in one fell swoop after a new visual identity was unveiled for the Premier League.