Posts Tagged ‘Scandal’

US Attorney General Loretta Lynch has spoken of her eagerness to arrest and question the next President of FIFA, with the election to crown the replacement for Sepp Blatter due to take place in Zürich on February 26.

In the wake of Sepp Blatter’s sensational resignation as FIFA president, RoboBlatter has announced its intention to replace its human alter-ego as the head of world football’s governing body.

Sepp Blatter had admitted that the letter he wrote proclaiming his innocence in the FIFA scandal was only supposed to be for the eyes of his pen pal of the last seventy years, and was never meant to be sent to all the football associations affiliated with the global organisation.

The scandal enveloping world football’s governing body today took a new and unexpected twist after the real Sepp Blatter was found in a sealed vault deep below FIFA’s headquarters, where, he has claimed, he has been held captive since 1995.

Greg Dyke, chairman of the Football Association, has said that he is still behind Michel Platini becoming the next FIFA president, despite becoming embroiled in the crisis that has enveloped the body, claiming that he is the ‘lest evil’ option to lead the organisation.

A 25-year-old mini football has been placed in temporary charge of FIFA following the 90-day suspension of president Sepp Blatter, as all prospective human replacements have been found to also be under investigation by Swiss authorities investigating widespread corruption within the governing body.

Convicts within the United States penal system have spoken of their excitement at potentially being joined by outgoing FIFA president Sepp Blatter in the near future.

Loretta Lynch, the US prosecutor who in May sent FIFA into chaos, has revealed that the latest findings against the governing body suggest that president Sepp Blatter is really into watching YouTube clips of stand up comedian Dave Chappelle’s eponymously-titled sketch show.

FIFA’s delegates are today celebrating the unprecedented achievement of going an entire month without a single incident of note taking place by awarding themselves $10,000 each, as well as taking their pick from the 2015 range of Mercedes-Benz executive saloons.

Father of three Mike Appleby has thanked FIFA for teaching his children, especially football-mad son Charlie, valuable lessons that will stand them in good stead for the rest of their lives.

The fallout from the FIFA racketeering scandal continued today after it emerged that the Hamburglar is wanted for questioning by US authorities investigating accusations of corruption within world football’s governing body.

How else are we supposed to award tournaments to nations as unsuitable and morally questionable as Qatar? You tell me, what should we do?