In the last few years, it seems that everybody has been lining up to give FIFA a good kicking. The British media especially seem to have it in for Mr. Blatter and his executive committee board. But, in so doing, they are failing to understand a basic truth about football – we need bribes, and we need more than ever before!

How else are we supposed to award tournaments to nations as unsuitable and morally questionable as Qatar? You tell me, what should we do? Give it to England, who are so happy to defame us whilst also being able to hold the World Cup without having to build any ew stadia? Come on, how are we going to make any money that way, especially when they refuse to grant our God given right to tax free status whilst the tournament’s on? It’s ridiculous!

No, the simple fact of the matter is that money makes the world go round, and nowhere is that more true than planet FIFA. It’s hard to see Jack Warner or Chuck Blazer surviving in any other culture than ours. We’re performing a service to society by giving them jobs – or having given, before those shame-faced hacks at the Guardian and the BBC ‘exposed’ them as so-called ‘corrupt’ officials, despite them breaking no laws that I’m aware of. A handout here, some money resting in an off-shore bank account there, it’s how the free market functions, and to think that things could and should be any different is to show a level of naïvety rarely seen outside of a nursery school.

What of the paltry sums going to grassroots football as opposed to the vast wages we accrue as board members of the Ex-Co, I hear you ask. To that I reply: mind your own business. I don’t need to justify myself to you – I’m the second most powerful man in sport. But I will say this: I’ve earned that money, I deserve to be treated like a Royal dignitary when I leave the Zurich compound, and if, like my colleague Vitaly Mutko I wish to engorge five breakfasts a day and then claim them all back on expenses, than that is my right.

Let me be perfectly clear, I never received 100,000 French Francs (€15,000) from ISL to give them broadcasting rights to the World Cup back in the 1990s. And I certainly never returned that money. And I most definitely, as far as you’re concerned, did not receive $1.5 million from Qatar to ensure my support of their World Cup bid. Keep your nose out of other people’s business. But, as you can see, although not for my personal gain of course, FIFA needs bribes like fish need the sea, and to ensure a strong FIFA, we need more bribes, all payable to shady Caribbean holdings that can never be traced back to my office in Yaoundé.