Tottenham Hotspur supporter Thomas Evans believes he must have been involved in an act of pure evil in a previous life that is causing him such misery in supporting the North London side.
The North Stand season ticket holder feels that this is the only reason behind Mauricio Pochettino’s side finishing the season behind arch-rivals Arsenal in a cataclysmic slide that saw Tottenham fail to win any of their last four matches.
Speaking after his team’s 5-1 capitulation to already-relegated Newcastle United, Evans said: ‘What have I done to deserve this? Fuck Ali and Dembélé’s suspensions, and Mason’s inability to be even half decent, it’s all on me somehow. God, it must have involved kids or small animals or something’.
Remaining in his seat high above the St. James’ Park pitch, Evans continued: ‘Maybe I was Hitler, or Pol Pot. Perhaps I was a slum landlord in Victorian London. God, if only I knew so I could repent and things could get better’.
Mauricio Pochettino, fresh from delivering his post match bollocking, told reporters: ‘I don’t really know much about this Evans guy, or what it was he did when his soul was inhabiting a previous incumbent, but it’s clear he’s got to sort himself out pretty quick, especially with a Champions League campaign ahead. I’d hate to think how badly things could go when we face a decent European side’.
When it was put to him that it was Tottenham’s lack of discipline and lack of a winning mentality, allied to a squad short of quality, that let the team down in the run-in, the Argentinian replied: ‘No, I don’t think so. It’s all Evans’s fault. Or whomever Evans was back through the pages of history’.
Tottenham’s third place finish is their highest since 1990, although their points tally doesn’t beat that set by André VillasBoas’s 2013 side.