us prison

Convicts within the United States penal system have spoken of their excitement at potentially being joined by outgoing FIFA president Sepp Blatter in the near future.

FBI investigations have led to Swiss authorities questioning the 76-year-old in relation to a payment sent to UEFA chief Michel Platini for work he did in 2002, although it took close to fifteen years, and a pledge from Platini not to run against Blatter in a presidential election before the outstanding fee was delivered to the Frenchman’s account.

When asked about the possibility of sharing a cell with the man who has allegedly overseen an era of corruption previously unimagined within a sporting body, most prisoners expressed their eagerness to link up with the footballing kingpin, with DeVante ‘Twinky’ Brown, currently serving two consecutive life sentences for a number of gang-related murders, speaking for many when saying: ‘I’m not really into soccer, but any time some old cracker comes up into my house he’s got to learn that I’m in charge here.

‘I’m not one who normally goes in for sodomy and shit like that, but from what people have told me about all the money he took out of South Africa ($631 million tax-free), then maybe his pasty white ass deserves to be spanked’.

Already, white supremacy groups are distancing themselves from Blatter, which must come as a blow to a man who will be eager to make friends as quickly as possible should he find himself behind bars, with spokesman Terence ‘Shadow Chaser’ Graham saying: ‘Unless he’s willing to share in some of the bounty he earned from giving the World Cup to Qatar then we’re not interested in protecting him from the dangers of prison life’.

Blatter has always denied any wrong doing during his seventeen year reign as head of FIFA, a claim that has always been treated with suspicion by anyone with even half a brain.