van Gaal snoozefest

Louis van Gaal’s tenure as Manchester United manager could soon be at an end after five supporters were reported to have passed away through boredom during the Red Devils’ insipid home win over Sheffield United in the Emirates FA Cup third round last weekend.

A match that plummeted depths of incompetence previously unseen at Old Trafford was settled only by captain Wayne Rooney’s goal from the penalty spot deep into second half injury time. Before that, it seemed likely that the League One side were deservedly set for a financially-rewarding replay at Brammall Lane a week on Wednesday.

However, the result will bring little comfort to the relatives of the unfortunate five fans, who were only discovered in the aftermath of the ninety-minute debacle.

A spokesman for United said: ‘It was while stewards were conducting a final sweep of the stands that the supporters were found. Whilst it was thought in each situation that the dull affair had merely sent them into a long, deep sleep, it was on shaking them and telling them to get home to their dinners that it turned out that they had, in fact, passed on.

‘No one deserves to go like that’, the spokesman continued, ‘Depay could have least pretended that he gives a fuck’.

Greater Manchester Police have refused to reveal the identity of the late followers, but issued a statement that read: ‘We are concerned that if Mr. van Gaal continues with his wave of dull, unimaginative anti-football, that there will be even more deaths in the weeks to come. Out of respect for the fallen, and with deep fear and concern for the future, we implore him to consider letting Juan Mata off the leash. At least a little bit’.

However, there is some hope of good news ahead for United fans, with a tricky tie against Newcastle United being followed by a meeting with arch-rivals Liverpool, with a poor result against either side potentially seeing the Dutchman finally relieved of his services.