Not Tim Sherwood

Mit Doowrehs, the man who has risen from nowhere to become the heavily favoured candidate for the Aston Villa hotseat, has said that he has never heard of previous incumbent Tim Sherwood.

The 46-year-old, who also hails from Borehamwood, claimed that any similarities between himself and Sherwood are, honestly, purely a matter of coincidence, and that the name Tim Sherwood means absolutely nothing to him.

Doowrehs, a league winner with Nrubkcalb Srevor, told reporters: ‘Who is this Tim Sherwood of whom you speak? Produce the cur, so I may give him a fierce lashing with my sharp tongue. Never has one been so insulted in all one’s life. The ruddy nerve of it’.

Local reporter Dan Higgins said: ‘He does look a lot like Sherwood, save for the evil moustache. And to be honest, I don’t think even he would turn up for an interview in a top hat and sporting a monocle. But, I don’t know, there’s something very familiar about this Doowrehs guy’.

Rémi Garde, the former Arsenal player who was previously employed as coach at Lyon until 2014, was widely expected to take over at Villa Park, but the move fell through late on Sunday when he hurriedly left a voicemail message on chairman Randy Lerner’s telephone saying he was no longer available, although no one seemed to notice that the Frenchman had suddenly developed a thick north London accent.