West Ham Diego Poyet

West Ham United have admitted that they will probably not be releasing a DVD showing their penalty shoot-out Europa League victory over Maltese minnows Birkirkara, who put up a spirited show to triumph 1-0 on the night.

The Hammers, who were already missing Diafra Sakho after the player had received a red card in the previous round, this time lost defender James Tomkins before half-time, by which point Birkirkara had already scored the goal that would eventually lead to the penalty shoot-out, won 5-3 by West Ham.

Manager Slaven Bilić said: ‘Yeah, it’s best we move on from that one, eh? Let’s be honest, I can’t see anyone asking for that in the club shop. Stone me. I don’t want to worry anyone, but if we can’t beat this lot, it’s not looking good for next season’.

Diego Poyet, who came on for captain Kevin Nolan and later scored the winning penalty, said: ‘First we struggle to get past a bunch of Andorran part timers, and now this.  Hopefully the gaffer can sort out a loan for me so I can get away from this shit stack for a year’.

West Ham are now one step closer to the group stages, but will surely face an early exit should they be pared with any side capable of fielding eleven half-fit human beings, or Romania’s FC Astra Giurgiu as they are better known.